Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
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I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Love this guy
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I’m tired tomorrow.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.