Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
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told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!