do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
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[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know