Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
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I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Is this a threat?
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Me too door. Me too.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.