I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
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her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical