take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
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Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
The symmetry is uncanny.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
😅😅😅
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
accurate
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”