Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
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My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew