*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
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*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”