me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.