I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
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Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Very good! 👍😂
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.