Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
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Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!