Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
You Might Also Like
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.