They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”