*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
me and my fake scenarios
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
seems fine
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair