Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
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[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
True
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*