Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
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[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
spot the difference
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.