Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
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The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
12. I think about this all the damn time