I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
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Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.