I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
You Might Also Like
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing