my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
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My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?