“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
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Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.