Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
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My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall