Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
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Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound