going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
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For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around