#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
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A sick whale is called an unwhale
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.