[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
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3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
He wanted to make sure😂
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.