Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
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ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I have a black belt in leather
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well