Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Oh, I bet you would be
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
peak technology
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.