[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
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Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.