Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
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[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
The government even made aliens boring
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…