therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
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ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.