Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
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Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic