Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
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Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I beg your pardon?
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.