Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
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Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
My first child will be named New Folder.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?