My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
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Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.