So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
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Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Software Development ⛵️
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars