I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
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“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I hope they boil the right one.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.