The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
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listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Incredible customer service.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.