*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
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“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
What flavor cupcake are these
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Ah..makes sense now
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker