when dads have a rap battle
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[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*