I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
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Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you