Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
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My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal