A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
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Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Thoughts
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it