*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
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Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?