idk what he going thru but i feel him
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I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.