Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
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Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.