I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
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I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
just left a huge legacy in there
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.