Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
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Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!