I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
You Might Also Like
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
The internet is full of many things
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony