If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
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*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
there has never been a better use of this meme
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Had an epiphany today.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”